Dentist's Diary #1

Not sure where to start, but I'm pretty sure this is the first time I write a post about what I do daily. Today is the first time that I broke an endo file inside my patient's root canal. I know we're trained to be able to handle emergencies like this but to be honest, my heart just shattered into millions of pieces. I can't help but to blame myself for making such mistakes. In a more optimistic way, this is part of learning process. I think maybe the next time if such case happen again in my own practice maybe I'll handle it more nicely than today. 

My friends keep telling me that I should just keep quiet and proceed as if nothing happened but of course its very unethical. At that moment I feel that confessing my mistake is the right thing to do so I reported the situation to my supervisor. So glad that she is super nice and helpful because instead of scolding me for making such stupid mistake she actually tried to find ways to help me by contacting the residents. I can see she's trying to make this requirement counts so that I can get my things done a.s.a.p. However, I don't put too much hope because things might not go accordingly. 1. She might ask me to refer my current case to residents and I find another patient. 2. She might ask me to see another senior supervisor. 3 She might just cover up for me and we both act as if nothing happen. 4. She might ask me to refer residents to remove the broken file and the rest will be back to me and everything goes accordingly again. I don't know how I should see this matter anymore. Already cried in the clinic just now because I feel so worthless. I'm just a vulnerable person. I just feel that my whole world is crashing down because before this thing happen I thought everything will be fine but the truth is shits happen. I can't stop shits from happening. Maybe this is a challenge from God, to make me learn my lesson. To make me a stronger person. 

This is obviously not the first mistake I've made so far in my clinical years. But those previous mistakes are forgivable but today's mistake, I can't even forgive myself. I'm really upset with myself I don't know what I should do now. My peer pressure is making me nervous and anxious, and that I cannot screw up any of my patients if I wanna do my exit exam in April. After today's incident I can't see hope anymore. I'm not sure if I can get my things done just in time for exit exam or not. Just kill me already. I'm too stressed up and fucked up. When is this torment gonna come to an end?